In a nutshell
POSTED AT 11:12 AM

duskee

meeting new friends... spending time with old friends... all on field...

a violation. a big blunder. a joke. a good laugh.

a movie and late night pizza snack.

six pizzas divided among five friends, 4 slices left. 

Currently feeling: still a bit high

Para san pa?
POSTED AT 04:19 PM

duskee

Siguro nga ako'y isang masokista.

Minsan, kahit na malinaw naman talaga ang lahat, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit ako nag-titiis.

Hindi naman ako yayaman.

Hindi naman ako makikilala.

Hindi na ito nakakatuwa.

Kung sana madaling maniwala sa hustisya.

Kung sana may nakikita akong pag-asa.

Mahirap umasang magbabago sila.

Mahirap umasang magbabago ako.

Naiisip ko tuloy, pag-aalis na ako, hindi na ako muling babalik.

Bahala na ang ideyalismo. Hindi makakain yan.

Bahala nang dito ako masaya. Matagal maghilom ang kaluluwang dinurog na.

Dahil alam kong bali-wala ang lahat ng ito, sunugin ko na lang kaya lahat ng mga pangarap ko?

Kung ganito rin naman ang usapan, at kung ang kalalabasan ay hindi rin ako nakakatulong, dapat nga siguro ay magpaalam na.

Kung ang tinitingala ko rin naman ang tatapak sa akin, iibahin ko na lang ang tinitignan ko.

Nasaan na ang rason para sa lahat ng ito?

Ang dating sapat na dahilan ay nawalan na ng kahulugan. Ubos na halos lahat ng dahilan ko, kasama na ang agila.

Ang sarap maglaho na lang bigla...

Blood for blood
POSTED AT 11:14 AM

duskee

I'm learning to fight back my way.

I will NEVER stoop down to their level.

I've got good pointers. I've got back-up.

I will not retaliate.

Tatit's right, the only issue here is my reputation. And although I really don't care, I should.

Blood for blood.

Currently feeling: evil and dark

Cazry Wlord
POSTED AT 01:55 PM

duskee

Waking up with the same headache I slept with last night was enough sign to let me know that today has a high probability of joining a string of not-so-good-I-wish-I-didn’t-get-up days.

If it’s not about defending my reputation, it’s about knowing a secret so grave it breaks my soul to bare it. If it’s not slightly offending someone with a sly comment, it’s finding out that trying to maintain my health is going to drive me bankrupt.

How does one survive countering all these negativities? Find a random list of things to be thankful for.

• The fact that I am still alive. True that everything I am supposed to avoid is on field, but after two years, I'm still living. Even if I get so poor even rats have more, at least I would have lived a full life.
  

•  I have nothing to prove, really. Yes, they are evil. So it's really their reputation at stake more than mine. I know the truth. People who matter know the truth. And I can make those who need to know the truth, know it, ever so subtly. Yes, I've raised a battle cry. But it doesn't mean I'm gonna lose my integrity.

• My best friends rock! It doesn't matter even if they are an odd 900miles away from me, I still feel the love. That's all I need really.
  

• My favorite (and only) daypack is fixed. I don't have to worry anymore that my zipper is gonna automatically open. I can't risk having all those equipment fall out (or even just my water bottle).

• We have lots of visitors for this month. I get to see one of my uncles from the States, friends we met from Saudi Arabia and my grandmother. Our house is gonna be packed.

• I get to be in the city until the end of the month. This means that I get to be around when all the visitors are here. It also means I'm gonna be here for my father's birthday after two years of just hearing about the celebration from the field.

• Kadayawan! A week full of fun, fun, fun! Best part is that I'm here for it all.

• My father's birthday. I get to celebrate it with them this year.
  

• I'm gonna get a new daypack. After almost four years of service, I will finally get a replacement. It's not to say I won't use it anymore, since I did just get it fixed.
  

• Visitors means chocolates. I'm gonna get greedy (and fat, but happy).

• Cook-out, Cook-in. Thanks to Tatit's need to cook, we're gonna have a cook-out (or in). What's on the menu?
  

• Internet in the office computer. Self-explanatory.

• P10/call. I can now telebabad as if I'm still in Antipolo.

• Swimming. I know I can never be good enough to compete (I'm only good at one stroke) but I love swimming.
  

• Leaving the office early. Hah! I get to leave the office early because they usually call me in on my days off. So! Off with Tatit to Happyville.
  

 *Edit Aug. 8, 205* And I can't believe I didn't include them in the list right away.

• My parents are the best. They listen to me about everything and anything. They give the best advice. And, they love and support me all the way.

•  All my friends rock. It doesn't matter where they are, or where I am, my friends are the greatest.

Sleep
POSTED AT 12:04 PM

duskee

Isn't it ironic that I felt like sleeping in a hammock in our garden?

After being a field researcher for two years, I find that the best sleep I get, I get when I'm outdoors.

Wish I were more normal.

Hahaha... 

Irony
POSTED AT 03:19 PM

duskee

It’s hard to receive bad news about yourself. It’s hard to give them reason to hurt you.

Facts are facts until proven otherwise.

Knowing that it’s hard for me to change…

… I don’t expect them to.

 

I wonder where that leaves me?

Currently feeling: sadness in 40 levels

Scream
POSTED AT 04:38 PM

duskee

There are really just days when I want to scream my head off at nothing.

Weird looks, weird grins
POSTED AT 02:40 PM

duskee

Looking around the world with renewed sight.

Seeing for the first time how people see you in their eyes.

Smile with their hypocrisy.

Look with their greed.

Hold steady and keep unscathed.

If you see them in their eyes, they can see you in yours.
 

Notice
POSTED AT 03:46 PM

duskee

To whom it may concern:

In the interest of keeping whatever's left of my already dimished sanity, I hereby send this notice to inform the public that I will not be accepting any more confessions until the next month. Though I care greatly for all the concerns of the world, I also care to maintain my not-so-good sense for as long as I can. I have reached the maximum capacity of receiving all these information.

This is not to say that I am ungrateful for the trust that was given me. I am well aware that it is difficult to confide secrets because it makes one vulnerable to exposure. However, with the promise not to share all those information, comes the burden of keeping my head together thinking about all those information that I can't share.

Thank you for understand. And please remember, if you need me, I'm just in the jungle.

 

Sincerely,

Me.

Joy
POSTED AT 11:55 AM

duskee

YES!!!

After waiting for the opportunity or the proper excuse to go back to what has been my home for nine months, on the very day I wasn't looking, I got it.

YES!!!

Thank you for people who leave important things that are needed for another important project.

Counting down the days to Wednesday.

Mt. Apo here I come!

*wag ka magulo Rhoie*

SEVEN
POSTED AT 11:28 AM

duskee

It's hard not to answer this because (1) my best friend tagged me and (2) she mentioned my names a couple of times along the way... hahahaha...

Seven things that scare me...
1. That the rope would break when I'm rope climbing
2. Not being the best (I'm a freak, I know)
3. Family or friends being in danger or getting hurt
4. The possibility of losing my friends
5. Disappointing my parents
6. That it's always possible that I would have to stop being a field biologist                                                                                                     7. Jellyfishes and worms

Seven things I like the most...
1. The color blue
2. Denise
3. FOOD!!!
4. Being home
5. Being outdoors                                                                                   6. My daypacks
7. My hiking shoes

Seven important things in my room...
1. My Bible
2. My daypacks                                                                                       3. Letters from friends
4. My tent
5. My laptop
6. My dolphin stuffed toys 
7. Pictures

Seven random facts about me...
1. I could live eating pizza, sushi and chocolate mousse forever
2. It's true that I am a snob
3. I can do 40 laps on a 25meter pool in under 30minutes
4. I'm crazy and I love it
5. Everything that can kill me is on field but I still love going on field
6. Contrary to belief, I don't know everything "biological"
7. I prefer not to eat pork but I love pepperoni and bacon

Seven things I plan to do before I die...
1. Get married and have 2 - 3 kids
2. Learn how to fly a plane
3. Get a PhD in Wildlife Ecology
4. Teach
5. Find all my childhood friends and spend time with them
6. Travel the world or at least see Africa or the Amazon
7. Publish a book or two

Seven things that I CAN do...
1. Talk
2. Bake
3. Cook
4. Make my tongue look forked
5. Confuse and manipulate
6. Take care of children
7. Falconry

Seven things that I CAN'T do...
1. Sing well
2. 40 laps using freestyle
3. Calculate without a calculator
4. Change THEM
5. Spend as much time as I'd like with Denise and Riya and all my other friends
6. Reach the ceiling without a ladder
7. Set up rope 

Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex...
1. Love for God
2. Respect for my family
3. Intelligence                                                                                          4. Shoes (material, I know)
5. Clean cut hair 
6. Broad shoulders
7. Talent in music

Seven things that I say the most...
1. Adik!
2. Crazy!
3. Wala lang!
4. Oh crud!
5. Freak!
6. Sorry                                                                                                    7. Gutom na ako

Seven celebrity crushes...
1. Will Smith
2. Marshall Bruce Mathers III
-----The list stops here----

Seven people I want to tag...
1. Tatit
2. Thursday
3. kahit sino na lang
4. na may awa
5. at sinisipag
6. kasi wala
7. na akong maisip

Kadayawan
POSTED AT 11:51 AM

duskee

It's a declared holiday for Davao City because of Kadayawan. And guess where I am... In the office. It's really not such a big shocker since this has happened before.

I forced myself to get up today. I wasn't really planning to work. But I kept hearing my name pop up when people in the office discuss a coming 2-day conference thing and I've been pacing myself to finish all the necessaries before I go on field, not taking into account that conference thing. I figure, it's best to be prepared. I've learned my lesson in this aspect already.

On my way to work after my morning swim, I saw Ronald McDonald parade with Grimace, Hetty, LBC and Magnolia which made me want a Double Cheeseburger real bad. I decided I was gonna pass by one of my favorite bakeries to get myself a tuna turn-over. They still didn't have it. So I bought a couple of other breads, only to end up in line for a Jolly Hotdog and large fries. I can't believe that after three weeks of not being able to eat a decent lunch, I now have a bag full of fast food.  

I'm trying to get as much work done as I can before my brother texts me. We're suppose to catch up with my Uncle and my other brothers at the beach. Imagine, I could be snorkelling with Dory and Nemo now, instead, I'm sitting in front of my computer, listening to dumb tapes of people showing that they can pee higher than the other person. And I have to make sense of it all.

There are just days when I wish I am still a child, when holidays and off days mean ABSOLUTELY NO WORK. It was those days when a joke is just a joke. And in case someone gets angry, it passes after five seconds of screaming, shouting, crying, hair pulling, pushing and tagging, then it's back to the game. When hanging out with a boy means you just want him to be on your side when you play tag, or Agawang Base or those silly little war games, just because he's good. When holding hands means you just don't want to fall or get lost. And a smile is a reflection of your heart and not a way to get someone off track on your real purpose. It was those days when happiness comes in small packages of junk food, chocolates, juice, ice cream and cake. Not in seeing others get hurt or hurting them yourself or getting a new phone or what not.

It was only recently that I discovered how evil some people see me. It came as a shock because in my almost 23 years of life, I've never really been told to be mean. These people think I do it on purpose and for the past couple of days I've been avoiding contact with almost everybody for fear I'd offend them.  It sucks when you just can't help but care.

Reality is growing up can sure suck, but it's unavoidable. I've always been one to enjoy being young, not necessarily coursing the day I grow old, but just not trying to get there before I should. The list of things you can do lengthens as you grow older. You can watch PG and R movies alone, you can stay up late. You get to drive and try dangerous fun like rope climbing or doing assault jumps off a 30meter tree. But you lose the simplicity of life and "happiness" becomes a foreign word that can only be pronounced coupled with major, almost unattainable requirements. Life shouldn't be this complicated.

Lastly, I just wish I didn't have to turn into this monster some people see me to be. I'm probably not as dark as they think.

Now it's back to these dumb tapes, and a couple more sloppy bites off my Jolly Hotdog. I still have a date to see Dory and Nemo. And Kadayawan is still waiting for me.

Prrrrrrrtttttttt
POSTED AT 11:43 AM

duskee

 It’s official! I am a bone-a-fide FAN of La Carlotta Drum Beaters. They’re so good!

 I had so much fun yesterday, despite having to work early in the day.

 When my brother and I got to the beach, the first order of business was ice cream and fresh fruit shakes. While waiting for the delicious, cold goodies to arrive, I zoned out of the world, lying down, facing the beach with good old jazz music.

 After the ice cream, my brothers and I embraced the sea. *insert sunburn*

 Later, the entire extended family had an all-Filipino buffet with two First Class men (Senior PMAers) fos-bros (that’s foster brothers). *insert fat bellies*

 Then it was fun time with the fos-bros. And… *shivers* Just the thought of it makes me giddy inside… Never mind… I was going crazy I was contemplating doing things only my Yamyam is capable of.

 I’m trying to focus (obviously I’m not succeeding much since I’m writing this entry) so that I can be there for the Silent Drill. Excited! The last time I saw one, I was seven and I don’t remember anything. We might be invited to the Hop (that’s a Ball) tonight, but I’m not raising hopes that they’d want me to be their Drag (that’s date). You see, these guys get some kind of glory from bringing a girl to the Hop, emphasis on girl. I remember stories my mom told me, of how my lolo would force them to give pictures to the Freshies or to go out with the Cadets. I never thought I’d be able to get a taste of that life after all.

 Have I mentioned that Kadayawan is so much fun?

 *dancing and bouncing around* 

In a very unstable emotional state
POSTED AT 11:58 AM

duskee

*loser mode turned on*

Though I had so much fun during the weekend, I am having a pity party.

My brother lost my wallet. Never mind the P200 something cash, I have a check there for P2,000 which I already endorsed. And guess what, it being my wallet, my ID is there. In other words, whoever has my wallet now can encash my check.

To add to that, there was no way my parents would let that just slip by. So I had to deal with the nagging and all the extremely hurtful teasing.

IF I WERE RICH, I'D ADOPT A PHILIPPINE EAGLE... NOT GIVE MY WALLET AWAY. 

Oh well. Life goes on right?

Today though, it doesn't look like the sun is gonna shine for me. Not only do I have to deal with the knowledge that to stop payment to the check might take a while, I do not have money so even if I'm famished, I can't eat, I'm being asked to do something today that I really don't want to do, and because I don't have money, we can't push through with our planned cook out at home.

*insert teary eyes and a major frown*

My pos bros left today. Embarassingly, I might have gotten a tad bit too attached to them. Understand that I've been dreaming of having pos bros for a long time. Though I never looked forward to getting dressed up for a hop, it was still so nice to be asked. This is a dream come true! My lolo would really be so proud!

Life goes on for them as much as it does for me, though mine doesn't seem to have anything to offer for today. At least I got to open that dreaded file.

So what now?

Since I am a child of a soldier, and I wanted to be a soldier, I have to keep fighting all these negative energy. I can't win, if I don't run right?

*semi-smile* My pos bros texted to say good bye. Muah to you guys! I will miss you.

The weekend was still fun despite that little incident. I finished listening to all those dumb tapes. I got to watch the Silent Drill. I got to go to the hop. We went to Marco Polo for dinner buffet and ate for three hours. There was some major feeding that went on. We had lots of durian after. Swimming always helps clear my head, and I got to do my laps today. I am so dark right now. Come to think of it, I'm always dark and I love my color. It's just that for a long time, I haven't had this shade of dark. I'm glad to be sunburnt, just hope my skin isn't as hot as it is. It's kinda funny, I've been swimming almost daily for I don't know how long, and it only took one hot Friday morning to get me this burnt. 

Darn I'm hungry.

Craving
POSTED AT 01:17 PM

duskee

Please someone... I want french bread or baguette with Philadelphia Cream Cheese...

Or I want a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwhich...

Or I want Black Olives and Anchovies New York Style Pizza...

Please... 

 

Wishing
POSTED AT 01:31 PM

duskee

I've found an awesome program for my masters. It's the only program I want.

But it comes with a P700K price tag. But I'm still gonna apply for it.

Lord, please, I really want to go back to school. You promised that I will be able to go back to school. Thank you.

I'm drooling just thinking of it.  

birthday mess
POSTED AT 02:00 PM

duskee

wallowing in self pity last night over the fact that my birthday will just be an ordinary day on the field chasing after eagles could only be countered by a good chocolate bar.

not a phone call telling me that once i get home, no one else is gonna be around...

or that i have to cook dinner and probably eat it alone...

not having to stop our dogs from killing each other, in the dark, alone, scared...

nor problems with my phone...

none of those helped... only a good chocolate bar... or chocolate mousse... or maybe a pizza fest.

dragging myself this morning, i had to rush to apply for an exam that could lead to the realization of my dreams. i said good bye to that amount of cash i saved hoping to buy myself a new phone.

on my way to work, i was resolved to buy myself a birthday cake (or slice of it) only to find that the one i wanted wasn't available. i wanted pizza really bad, too. but decided against buying because there are still more important stuff that i could spend my money on.

but not being strong enough to resist temptation, i asked my brother to join me on a pizza fest and he agreed. then my mom wants to come too. and my dad. and my younger brother. i guess i'd get a party after all.

all that's missing now is my chocolate mousse.

almost a month in the mountain. maybe if i say it's only three weeks it won't seem as long. i love being on field, but not when it's my birthday. this is just like last year. only this time, i don't see the possibility of having a party. and i believe it won't help to tell people it's suppose to be my day when i'm almost 100% sure they'd forget. that's setting myself up for major disappointment.

life goes on right? i'll still turn 23, only i won't be announcing it. the only gift i want now is for the trapping and tagging to be successful within it's first week.