wala
POSTED AT 12:29 PM

duskee

tinatamad ako mag update.

achoo
POSTED AT 12:44 PM

duskee

there's this thing about trying to do the right thing... it wrenches your heart out of your chest to test whether you're ready for it.

there's this thing about responsibility... it messes up your life as long as you want to be it.

burnt out baby
POSTED AT 01:40 PM

duskee

for the past two or three months, i've been feeling so burnt out. i'm too young to feel this way and it sucks that i do.

i know that i'm burnt out because i always wake up as tired as i was when i fell asleep. i think i still have my eyebags from last april.

i used to be the kind of person who can hike for hours on end and at the end of the day, still have enough energy to run around. i think that's one of the reasons my boss hired me. he saw that in me during college, and now, i can't even see it in myself.

i've just had to deal with so much in the past couple of months and its even getting in the way of me pursuing my own dreams.

i hate it when i'm hating work cause i love what a do.

maybe after my field next week i'll actually get time to rest. and i mean really really rest. but then maybe that will come after a week more or even a month. more realistically, maybe it will never come.

frustrating
POSTED AT 11:48 AM

duskee

So, I've been grumbling about how the only way I'd be able to rest is if I get sick. Guess what, I got sick. But the sad part about it, I got sick while I was on field, alone. And I had to ride the motorcycle to get myself home because there was no one to pick me up. To make matters worse, it was raining.

Then I took just one pill and my face automatically puffed up. So even if my fever was 40.2, I couldn't take anything for it other than a lot of water and two ice bags whose ice melts the very second its placed on my head. I was hot baby, literally.

Plus the NatGeo people I've been waiting to meet since I started working are now here. I haven't met them yet. I was supposed to take them around the center last Saturday. Unfortunately, I couldn't stand straight and the world was spinning so I decided to stay at home.

And now, just when I thought I have good help with this darn project, my new accomplice, is hard to deal with - Stubborn and not really meant for field. I don't mean to sound cruel, I know I'm not exactly the epitome of a field person, but I adapted into the whole culture just fine. I want him to survive being a field researcher, and I’m willing to help him, if only he would ask. He’s making my life more difficult really. I wish things were different.

To be honest, getting sick is no way to get rest. But it’s a sure way to get me out of the field. I’m more tired now than I ever was. Maybe it’s really just because, like I told a good friend, I’m no longer happy. But maybe even that is such a huge statement to make.

hmm
POSTED AT 10:04 AM

duskee

Well, the field went well. But I take it back, now I've talked to them, i realize it's not yet officially NatGeo. They're still going to present the idea to NatGeo. So this is like a personal trip/survey thing. But regardless, they had fun, they were happy, that makes me happy.

I'm still tired as heck. But I'm tired and happy so I guess that makes it ok.

sigh
POSTED AT 10:55 AM

duskee

Yesterday I had to do the right thing. It felt wrong. So wrong I missed a huge pizza fest and had to settle for 4 instead of 6.

Today I'm battling people who are supposed to be on our side. Doing it so subtly I'm only doing it in my mind.

Tomorrow will be another day to make my mark. But maybe I'll get lazy and just let the day pass by in stealth - overlooked, unnoticed, like a shadow of a bird flying above the trees, never to be seen, never to be recognized. No one will remember and everyone will forget.